The Worth of A Miracle
by ArtisanKirei
Summary: ShinjixKaworu fic set after the third impact and after Kaworu's death. Shinji has moved out of Misato's flat and is trying to cope with the guilt which he harbors.. Contains Spoilers and Ch1 contains mature content
1. Chapter 1  The First Encounter

_Author's Note: First of all.. this story has some pretty big spoilers for the Evangelion series, so please, don't read it if you don't want to risk spoiling the show/manga for yourself._

_Just for a bit of context; this story is set after the third impact and after Kaworu's death. There will be more. I'm planning on making sort of a miniseries out of it. If you enjoy it enough to read on, you'll see why. This piece is dedicated to Soulsearcher1on1, who is always encouraging and supportive of the things I do and has been especially so on this project, and to Whitewings9, who suggested I try and write this. I hope I did you both justice.  
- Kirei _

**The Worth of A Miracle - The First Encounter**

Pale, silky lips pressed against his smooth skin, making him quiver with anticipation. Again and again the warm cushions explored his body, moving slowly up from his navel and halting at his clavicle. Then, spider-like hands, which had only a moment ago been playing with locks of his raven hair, began a sliding descent down his tense body; stroking his face, his lips, down his neck to his shoulder, over his nipple causing a surge of excitement, and then down further.

Shinji Ikari moaned weakly as Kaworu's kisses and touches pulled him further into oblivion.  
"Shhhh," Kaworu cooed, looking up a Shinji with a grin that brought a violent blush to his cheeks. "She'll hear you," Kaworu pulled his face level with Shinji's so that they were nose to nose, "and if she hears us," he paused as Shinji's dark eyes locked with his.  
Those eyes. They were the color of rich wine, no, they were stronger than wine, the color of blood. Most people were unnerved by them and the intense way in which Kaworu would look, almost omnipotently, at them. But Shinji thought they were handsome, with their unearthly hue and the look which Kaworu gave him did not unnerve him, it filled him with a nervous passion and a sense of inexplicable joy – He felt loved for the first time in his life.

"I don't want you to leave me again," Shinji whispered hoarsely, blinking away tears. "I.. I can't.. It.. It hurt so much," he sobbed quietly up at Kaworu.  
"Then shhhh," Kaworu whispered as he leaned closer to Shinji, pressing their lips together at first gently and then steadily more passionately.  
"I promise I'll never leave you again," Kaworu smiled, touching Shinji's face delicately. Their lips collided violently, giving Shinji a shudder of anticipation, the heartbreaking memories of a moment ago forgotten in the rushing passion as Kaworu held him by the back of his hair and pressed him closer. Kaworu's tongue gently urged Shinji's lips, which gave in easily and the two explored each others' mouths tentatively with long wet kisses and gentle sighs.

Again Kaworu's lips began an exploration of Shinji's body, kissing the corner of his raw lips, his flushed cheeks, the lids of his still teary eyes. Brushing tufts of hair out of the way, he locked his teeth around Shinji's earlobe and nibbled gently, his hand sliding down Shinji's bare torso and under the waistband of his taught underwear. The sudden contact sent waves of pleasure up Shinji's spine and a meek cry escaped his lips. Kaworu smirked and clapped a hand over his partner's mouth as he massaged his burning loins with the other. He forced Shinji's face to turn, exposing the flesh of his neck. Kaworu kissed the area gingerly, occasionally nipping as he removed the hand from Shinji's mouth and undid his own black trousers, exposing his manhood.

In a gentle, yet commanding voice Kaworu whispered into Shinji's reddened neck, "I'm going to take you now, Shinji. Don't resist, don't close your eyes, don't make a sound," he punctuated each command with more intoxicating kisses, to which Shinji could only nod feebly. "I promise not to hurt you," another kiss, "I love you, Shinji Ikari." Kaworu's hands hooked into Shinji's underwear and pulled them forcefully down as his lips moved down his torso. Kaworu laid Shinji gently down on the tired mattress, lifting Shinji's legs, so that he had to wrap them around his lover's slender form, and pressing himself against his opening. Shinji bit his lip in an effort to stifle the groans of mixed agony and pleasure which threatened to escape as Kaworu slowly eased himself inside.

As Kaworu's gentle thrusts quickened and his kisses intensified to violent intervals of biting and sucking, Shinji arched his back and cried tears of silent ecstasy, the pain and pleasure mingling to form some unknown, almost embarrassing sensation that devoured the two of them. Memories flooded Shinji's previously blanked mind, marching in front of his mind's eye to the rhythmic movements of their colliding bodies as they both unleashed their fluids; The stray kitten, The way Kaworu had touched his hand and smiled at him, the way he had kissed him with such force that one time, the way his eyes had flashed when he showed his true self – when he had been Tabris, the emptiness of his glazed ruby eyes when he gave himself over to NERV, the splash of the water. Shinji shed another tear as he thought back to that day, he knew something was wrong now, Kaworu couldn't be here, he was dead. Shinji new so because he had been the one to kill him. Kaworu could not be here now, they could not have shared this experience and yet, here he was. Velveteen skin, deep red eyes, his fluffy silver hair, Shinji could see it all in front of him, just a moment ago they had been one person. Perhaps he was going crazy?  
'Well ,' he thought 'If I am going insane, I don't care. I want to stay here, with him, forever.'

"Shinji," Kaworu whispered, his chest still heaving from the pleasure of the release, "Tell me" Shinji snapped back to reality and looked at his lover, who was now laying on his side next to him, staring at him intensely, but with that same smile which discomforted so many.  
"Tell me that you love me too."  
Shinji blushed.  
"I.. I love you too, Kaworu." At this, Kaworu smiled, took Shinji's hand in his own and the two sat up, backs against the wall, staring forwards into nothing.  
"And, you trust me?"  
"Uh.. well, yes. Of course I do."  
"If you love me, then, will you come with me?"  
"Come with you where?" Shinji asked, confused by the bizarre statement as well as the momentary surge of pain that jolted through his skull, and then quickly faded away.  
"That I cannot say," Kaworu turned and looked at Shinji directly, the setting sunlight from the tiny window in the room emphasized the brilliance of the crimson hue of his eyes, as if they were two blazing planets from some far off galaxy.  
"But if you trust me, you will agree," he finished, not blinking once, even in the dimming light.  
"Kaworu, I..I can't," Shinji said. "I wish I could, but how can I if you won't say where?"  
"Then, I must leave," Kaworu sighed, bowing his head slightly and releasing his grasp on Shinji's hand.  
"Kaworu no! You said you wouldn't leave me again!" Shinji cried out, not caring about Misato any longer, only wanting Kaworu to keep his promise, a promise that could break Shinji's heart if he didn't. "You can't leave me.." Shinji began to sob, "Please."  
Kaworu stroked Shinji's cheek and tilted his face upwards.  
"It is not good that the man should be alone," Kaworu said in a knowing tone as he stood up, "Good bye, Shinji Ikari, I will return for you soon." With this Kaworu turned, placing himself between Shinji's bent legs, crouched down gracefully and kissed him tenderly and deeply on the lips.

Shinji sat bolt upright, tears streaked his face and his body ached. It was still dark in his room and he realized, as he fell backwards into his pillow, that it had been simply a dream. He had had so many like them in the past. He had thought he had gotten over the worst of the mourning, but obviously not. A surge of electrifying pain ran through his head and he clutched it with one hand in slight shock. Still dazed by the vivid sensations of the dream he ran his hand down one side of his head and neck, his fingertips gracing a small, unnoticed bruise near the base of his neck as his hand pulled away. He shut his eyes once more, ignoring the scent of Kaworu on his pillow, which he was probably imagining, and without noticing the few silver hairs on the other side of his pillow, he drifted into a deep sleep.


	2. Chapter 2 The Second Encounter

**The Worth of A Miracle – The Second Encounter**

Shinji Ikari sat bolt upright in bed, sweat poured from his face and his Adam's apple bobbed heavily as he gulped for the air that didn't feel like it was reaching his lungs. He cried out in surprise as a feeling like electricity shot through his skull, and clasped his head firmly in both hands as if to ward of the sharp jolts. It had been ten years since he had a dream like that - since he had dreamt about _him_, he reminisced as he fumbled around on the bedside table for the remnants of his tablets. Fingers gracing the strip, Shinji toppled from his bed as he grabbed them and the bottle of water on the floor at his side. He threw back the pills and gulped in half of the bottle with a breath of satisfaction as his muscles loosened and his heart rate slowed.

Shinji thought back to that bizarre night ten years ago, at the time, he had still been living with Misato. He smiled to himself as he remembered the slovenly state of her flat, Penpen's refrigerator, the beer cans and ready meals and the chores charts which usually had more of his name than of hers on them. He had to admit, part of him missed those days. It had been difficult to leave, but he had felt deep inside his heart that he needed to be alone. He didn't want to be, but he had always felt alienated and alone, no matter what. The only person that could alleviate the solitude he felt was gone. As the thought gripped Shinji, a pain, like a clamp gripped his heart. He still felt the pangs of guilt, even now. Knelt in his bed, hand clasped to his chest instinctively, a single tear rolled down his cheek,  
"Kaworu..." Shinji whispered into the empty darkness.

"Your head hurts a lot doesn't it, Shinji?"  
That voice! A voice like cold silk, smooth and delicate but at the same time, not gentle in the least. Shinji turned to face the foot of his bed, at which stood a tall slender silhouette. Even in the blackness of the tiny apartment, the red twinkle of the young man's eyes was still visible, piercing through the darkness and Shinji's heart, leaving him shaking in fear, or was it exhilaration? There was a weak clicking sound and the dim light for Shinji's bleakly painted room flickered into life. As Shinji's eyes adjusted to the brightness he looked once more at the towering figure at the end of his bed. There was no mistaking it. He looked up at the tall, smiling boy. He could be no more than fifteen years old, but his blood red eyes portrayed the knowledge of eons. His silver hair was fluffy and had a rich shine, making him appear almost unearthly. He wore a white school shirt, under which an orange t-shirt was just visible. He stood, both hands in the pockets of his black dress trousers, smiling in a knowing way which, like his eyes, betrayed his young complexion.

Kaworu Nagisa walked around the foot of Shinji's bed and sat on the corner, his smile unfaltering.  
"It's been a long time, Shinji Ikari," Kaworu said in a cheerful tone, eyes closing into a smile of simple bliss. "I have missed you terribly these past ten years"  
"I.. I've missed you too," Shinji replied, gaping open mouthed at the apparition in front of him, a damp streak still visible on his face, and wondering if he had taken too many pain killers and passed out and was now having another unnatural dream about his lost love. Kaworu stroked a white, spider-like hand across Shinji's face.  
"You have aged well," he smiled, stroking Shinji's lips with his fingers, running them down his clean shaven chin, up the side of his face and across his forehead into his cropped brown hair. "But you frown too much," he said, his brow furrowing as he thumbed the creases in the still dumbfounded youth's forehead, "have you been so sad all this time?" At this, something in Shinji seemed to awaken and he turned away from Kaworu's surprisingly strong grip.  
"I've not had much to smile about," Shinji sighed. "Things have been," he paused momentarily and glanced at the red eyed seraph before turning his eyes down once more, "difficult."  
"I see," Kaworu said almost gravely, his hand now sliding from the back of Shinji's head and down onto his elbow, which he squeezed gently, without another word.

The two sat in silence on Shinji's bed for what seemed like forever, before Shinji broke the stillness by jumping up from his knelt position and bustling about his room, stripping down from his pajamas to nothing and dressing again in dark jeans and a plain t-shirt, all under the scrutiny of Kaworu's unblinking red eyes. Shinji walked over to a rotting dresser on which a small stack of oblong boxes sat and removed a rattling plastic strip from the topmost box. He popped two cobalt blue capsules into his mouth and gulped, without taking any of the stale water in the bottle in front of the dirty mirror. He regarded Kaworu's obscure reflection bitterly through the grime of the mirror.  
"Is something the matter?" the beastly reflection inquired. No response. "Ahhh," Kaworu grinned, a sight unnerving enough as it was, made more so by grotesque way in which the mirror seemed to warp his face into something gargoyle like, Shinji shuddered at the sight. "You don't trust me after all this time.." Kaworu said, almost matter-of-factly and then paused. "or is it," he cocked his head to one side coyly, "that you don't trust yourself?" he raised an eyebrow and the all-knowing smile that he usually wore returned.

Shinji turned and glared at him.  
"What do you expect?" he asked, his voice and arms rising in exasperation. "In case you forgot," he took a step forward and shouted, "you're DEAD!" Kaworu shifted on the bed so that he was sat upright, facing straight towards Shinji, hands clasped together on his knees.  
"But I am here, am I not?" Kaworu stated patiently.  
"I.. I don't know," Shinji lowered his voice and turned his head away. "how could you be? I killed you"  
"But I came back for you ten years ago.."  
"That was a dream"  
"..And I promised I would return for you," Now Kaworu too stood, lifting his hands, palms forwards, up to face level, "and here I am, what more proof do you need?"  
"I can't trust my eyes any more, I can't believe you're here again, It nearly killed me last time I thought you had come back and I found out that it was nothing more than a pathetic dream," Shinji turned away, resting his hands on the dresser and staring downwards, "I must be going mad."  
"Blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed." Kaworu said, from much closer than Shinji had realized. His hands massaged Shinji's shoulders and coaxed him to turn around with such gentle strength that Shinji had no choice but to yield.

Kaworu gripped Shinji's down-turned face and forced him to look up into his eyes.  
"Can you see me?" he asked bluntly, but sweetly.  
" y..yeas but.."  
"Can you hear me?"  
"y-es.. but.." before Shinji could argue Kaworu kissed him forcefully, pressing their lips together with such strength that Shinji uttered a meek cry. The kiss slowly moved from a violent one sided press to a gentle and restrained passionate kiss, teeth clicking together quietly, Kaworu occasionally pausing to nip at Shinji's moistened lower lip. When the two finally parted Shinji looked to be in pure ecstasy, like a starved man given a grand feast. He stared at Kaworu through partially closed, dazed eyes.  
"And you felt that, did you not?". Shinji nodded silently, tasting the remnants of Kaworu on his lips. "Then please, believe me, I am real" Kaworu implored, taking Shinji's hands in his own and slowly pulling him down onto his knees, so the two knelt, staring at one another, on the dusty tiled floor, under the dim bulb in Shinji's miserable room.

"Do you remember," Kaworu said, pressing his head to Shinji's and staring into his eyes, "why I came to see you before?"  
"You wanted me to go somewhere, right?" Shinji said, the details hazy after all the years and the heaps of pain meds.  
"Exactly," he kissed Shinji lightly, as if in reward for his remembrance. "And so, you know why I am here now then?"  
"Because I said no before?" Another kiss.  
"You trust me now, yes?"  
"Yes," as if he had forgotten his rage from before, Shinji's answer was like a bullet, he was beginning to remember why he hated Kaworu so much. His intoxicating, suggestive voice that made Shinji do everything he said, the horrible feeling Shinji got when he saw him, that he was at peace, but could never stay that way. Like everyone else, Kaworu would always leave him.  
"Do you still love me?"  
"Yes," it hurt to say such a thing out loud again, because Shinji knew what was coming next, and the pain it would bring. Kaworu stood and outstretched his hand to Shinji.  
"Will you come with me this time?" Shinji turned his head away once more, he couldn't look at Kaworu while he said this, he didn't want to say it, but part of him told him it had to be so.  
"No," he looked up at his silver haired lover, tears welling in his eyes, "I'm sorry Kaworu, I can't, you know I can't"

Kaworu smiled as he always did and with an air of acceptance and omnipotence to his voice said; "I expected as much, well then," he knelt back down and kissed Shinji's forehead tenderly, "good bye, Shinji Ikari, I will see you again soon," he stood and turned away, "I hope you will have changed your mind by the time we next meet". He smiled cheerfully, glancing over his shoulder at the once again heartbroken youth and faded away into nothing.

Shinji's eyes flashed open and he looked around him without moving his head. Sounds of bustling people and beeping were everywhere and then a familiar voice from somewhere just out of his field of vision cried out.  
"He's awake! Someone! Get a Doctor! He's awake!"It was a loud coarse voice, but it was a feminine one.  
"Mi-sa.."  
"Yes Shinji, I'm here" Misato yelled "are you OK?" Shinji mumbled the closest thing he could find to "yes, I'm fine thank you, how are you? Oh, and, where exactly am i?" but all that came out were some garbled vowels.  
"Take it easy Mr Ikari" said a masculine voice coming from a stocky man in a white coat, whom Shinji took to be a doctor. "you've just had your stomach pumped, Miss Katsuragi found you in your apartment, you took too many pain killers and passed out, if she hadn't found you when she did, you could have been in a much worse state," he said, nodding politely to Misato. "We'll be keeping you in for observations for a couple more days, running some routine tests and then you can go home" he concluded as he filled out a chart and then walked away, to another patient's bed.  
Misato grabbed Shinji's hand and squeezed it.

Somewhere, in this world, she was giving him a lecture about being more careful now he lives alone, but Shinji couldn't hear her. He was feeling Kaworu's hand in his, talking about holidays to France, Italy, wherever Shinji liked, the moon if he wished. As he lay there in the hospital bed, Shinji listened to the far off voice of his lover, promising the greatest things imaginable. He licked his lips as he thought of delicious food which Kaworu mentioned in his mind, the taste of Kaworu was still on them, or was it?


	3. Chapter 3 The Final Encounter

**The Worth of A Miracle – The Final Encounter**

It was raining in Tokyo 3 and in a bleak apartment room on the outskirts of the city, there was a feeble creak and a small shaft of grey light shot momentarily across the blackness before disappearing again with a thudding click. The sound of footsteps could be heard heading towards the only light in the room, a rhythmic blinking red dot to the far left, just above waist height.  
The footsteps ceased and a high pitched bleep followed by the sound of gentle whirring replaced them. Another bleep, and then, a voice;  
"Mr Ikari, this is Doctor Himuro of Tokyo 3 Hospital," the deep voice said, "I have the results of your tests and I would appreciate it if you could come down to the hospital to discuss the-". More whirring, and another beep. "Shinji? Where are you?," This one was a woman, a commanding one with a loud voice, "If you don't answer in-"  
"It's OK Misato, I'm here. Hold on a sec" more whirring, a click and silence. There was one final bleep and the pulsing light vanished. The sound of more footsteps echoed on the hard floor and then, a cold click. There was a gentle humming sound and then the _plink plink_ of the dim ceiling bulb flickering into life.

Shinji Ikari stood at the foot of his bed, blue jeans darkened; white shirt almost translucent and hair disheveled from the rain, which now ran down his face like tears. He glared at the combination answer machine-phone which Misato had forced upon him six weeks ago when he was released from the hospital. She had promised to call him every day to make sure he was OK, and had then threatened that if he didn't answer straight away she would be over in a flash and that if she rushed over to his apartment to find out that he hadn't died, she'd kill him herself. He laughed to himself as he peeled off the soaked clothes and dropped them into a pile in the corner, hoping she hadn't planted a camera in his room too - or she'd be forcing umbrellas on him next.  
He threw himself down on his stale mattress, which seemed to sigh just as heavily as he did, and stared up at the ceiling. He hadn't told her yet. He hadn't told anyone. He was beginning to wonder if he should just pretend it wasn't happening. He didn't know anymore.

He closed his eyes. The pain was so constant now that he could ignore it as long as he took some painkillers every now and then. There was only one time when he couldn't block it out; when he had those dreams. And they had been happening at least twice a week, although not like that time six weeks ago and not like the time before that, ten years ago. No, in these dreams Kaworu never spoke to him. They were always the same scene; a great valley of luscious grass, filled with sweet, colorful wild flowers dancing gently in a warm summer breeze, the two lovers facing each other from opposite sides. He would be miles and miles away sometimes, standing with his hands in his pockets, smiling omnipotently as always. He would extend a hand to a fifteen year old Shinji and Shinji would run to him his own hand outstretched, only for him to eventually turn away, still smiling, but looking strangely empty at the same time. These dreams forced Shinji to wake in the early hours sweating and breathing heavily, shaking and with the searing pain in his skull stronger than ever.

He hated those dreams and the way which his heart would ache after them, he hated Kaworu because he wasn't here now, but he hated himself even more. Because all he wanted to do was sleep forever. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with Kaworu, even if that meant chasing after him to no avail in his imagination. In his burning mind, a sensual and persuasive voice whispered a tantalizing idea and Shinji complied. Eyes closed, he reached out to his bedside table and grabbed a bottle. He opened it, shook it and swallowed the two sleeping pills that came out dry. The wind whistled through the trees outside and the rain hammered against the window like a haphazard drumbeat, deepening the gloom in the apartment. On his bed fusty bed, Shinji breathed gently, slipping slowly into oblivion. The world went black.

Shinji, eyes still closed, shivered slightly in the breeze that swept over him. As his senses slowly returned, he realized it was warm now, he could feel the sun on his back. One side of his face was pressed against something cool, soft. The breeze that fluttered by, almost silently, smelled sweet, like honey and roses, and made Shinji feel warm to his core. He rolled onto his back with a triumphant smile; arms and legs spread out, and opened his eyes to a dazzling blue sky.  
He stood up and dusted any loose grass off of his black dress trousers. The front of his school shirt had become dappled in green and there were two mucky green patches on his knees, but he didn't care. He turned and looked across the vast ravine of flowers, dancing pinks and oranges and lilacs, shimmering in the sunlight. There he was. On the other side, just visible at the top of a hill, was Kaworu, his hair and shirt flying gently in the breeze. Shinji cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted,  
"Kaworu! Kaworu, can you hear me?" After a moment of looking around, the other boy turned and raised a hand in a wave. "Meet me in the middle!" Shinji yelled out. Kaworu's hand went up once more in confirmation. Shinji sighed happily through a smile and began his descent into the valley.

The grass near the center of the valley was a lot taller than Shinji had realised, or was it just that he was used to being taller himself?, he wasn't sure. The grass in the very middle reached to the base of Shinji's ribs and while he had attempted to wade his way through it, he had lost track of Kaworu making his way down the other side. He looked up at the hill and all around him, but couldn't see him anywhere. Shinji sighed in despair. Perhaps he hadn't figured it out after all. He had nothing to do now but wait. He'd either wake up, or he'd die of an overdose and with the cocktail of pills Dr Himuro had him taking, he had no idea which.

The next few moments were a blur for Shinji. The gentle rustling behind him, which went unnoticed in the warm breeze as he silently cried for his loss, would have alerted him to the presence of the arms that suddenly wrapped themselves around him, causing him to topple forwards. Dazed and a little apprehensive, Shinji rolled onto his back.  
"I have missed you, Shinji Ikari" The claret eyes which met his own sparked with joy. Kaworu smiled down at him, hair falling in front of his face delicately, and pressed his lips against Shinji's passionately and without warning. The two remained locked together, exchanging gentle kisses in a vice like embrace, under the shade of the tall grass for what seemed like an eternity. An eternity which Shinji had longed for more than anything - more than seeing his mother again, more than the love and acceptance of his father, and more than the painless oblivion which awaited him so very soon.

"I've missed you too Kaworu," Shinji said through gasped breaths in between the deluge of kisses. They paused for a moment, nose-to-nose, looking at one another. "I love you Kaworu," Shinji sighed, tears in his eyes.  
"I love you to, Shinji," Kaworu smiled that same beautiful smile that he always had. "but why are you so sad?" he asked stroking a tear from Shinji's cheek. "Is this not what you want?"  
"No, no it is but.." Shinji knew it was pointless, he knew this was a dream, but he needed to tell someone. "It won't last forever, will it?" Kaworu cocked his head to one side, still smiling.  
"I don't understand, Shinji"  
"Kaworu, I'm dying." He said, tears rolling down his cheeks. "And this is just a dream, a hallucination brought on by what's in my head!" Shinji stuttered as the lump in his throat grew larger and the tears in his eyes flowed faster. "I know this is a dream but I just don't care anymore" He wiped away the tears in his eyes, "I need you"  
Kaworu smiled, knelt and then stood up between Shinji's legs.  
"In that case," he stretched out a hand to Shinji, "have you changed your mind, Will you come with me this time, Shinji Ikari?"

Shinji nodded, took Kaworu's hand and stood, fingers locked tightly with his lovers', in the middle of the valley.  
"Where are we going?" he asked hopefully. Kaworu pointed in the direction he had come  
"Just over that hill" he looked at Shinji and smiled once more "Are you sure you don't want to leave?" Shinji wavered for a second, looked at Kaworu's delicate face and nodded forcefully.  
"Let's go" he said, balling his loose hand into a tight fist, apprehensive of what lay past the rolling green. They walked slowly together though the dense grass and fragrant blooms, hands still clasped together, Kaworu questioning Shinji about his life, Shinji obliging with the most honest answers he'd given to anyone in his life. He felt so at peace. Deep in his heart something clicked and he felt warm, for the first – and probably last, time in his life. He was home. He gave Kaworu's hand a gentle squeeze as they walked on in blissful silence further and further up the hill. When they reached the top they stopped. Kaworu, hand in his pocket as always, stood looking at Shinji – whose face was fixed in shock.

Shinji looked at Kaworu, tears once again in his eyes.  
"Why? Why here?" his voice was thick with agony  
"Because this is where it must be" Kaworu said in that distant and disturbingly omnipotent tone of his, as he looked out over the sea. "I am presuming from your reaction that you remember this place?" Shinji gulped and nodded.  
"I used to come here every day, whenever" he stopped as he tried to stifle the lump in his throat once more, "whenever I missed you, whenever-whenever I was feeling guilty"  
"Do you still feel guilty, Shinji?"  
"All the time," he sighed, a tear falling from his sodden lashes. Kaworu turned to face Shinji and placed a cool hand on his cheek, wiping the tear away with his thumb.  
"I forgive you, Shinji" He placed his other hand on Shinji's other cheek and kissed him gently, "don't hate yourself any more. I remove your crime, for my own sake, and forget your sins." Shinji nodded silently. "Do you wish to continue now? Or do you want to leave?" Kaworu inquired.  
"Let's keep going" Shinji murmured meekly, taking Kaworu's hand in his own once more.

The beach was clearer than Shinji remembered it and for the first time in over ten years, the sun was shining. The water glistened like precious gems under a burning yellow spotlight. Kaworu lead him towards the center of the beach. They sat together in the setting sun, arms around each other, looking out at the shimmering sea with its faintly orange glow. Shinji rested his head on Kaworu's shoulder and held his free hand tightly between them. Shinji felt pure bliss as the last of the sun disappeared over the horizon.

The next morning a voice could be heard across the beach, it was a shrill female voice that sounded like its owner had been crying and shouting for hours. In the dim morning light two figures were visible. One was crouched over the other crying.  
"Shinji, oh Shinji" Misato cried over and over, hand on her eyes. Shinji Ikari sat in the sand, face fixed in a peaceful smile staring out to sea. A line of red ran from the inner corner of one eye down to his lips. Next to his lifeless form sat a small bunch of flowers - the most brilliant colored orchids, lilacs and roses wrapped in ivy, their delicate honey fragrance carried across the salty sea air for miles.


End file.
